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As We Age: Introduction (Podcast)

Join Lisa Raffo as she begins a series of conversations with older adults about their life experiences. Want your story told? Send an email to: [email protected]

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Lisa Raffo
As We Age: Introduction (Podcast)
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Transcript:

As We Age Introduction 

Introduction:

I never used to think about my age, save for once a year around my birthday. But this week, I’m really feeling the passage of time. I’m visiting my parents who are well into their 80’s. My dad went into a skilled nursing facility recently and I’m trying to provide support to my mom during the transition. It’s hard.

Lately, I find myself with more and more questions about this whole idea of “aging”…. How do our bodies and brains and emotions change? How can we make good decisions to ensure that we “age well?” How can we keep learning and loving and living as we age?

I’m Lisa Raffo and I’m going to explore these questions and more in this podcast. I’m going to call it “As We Age” because I hope you’ll join me in this journey. I hope you’ll communicate with me and help me find answers to these questions and more.

I’m going to begin by introducing you to my parents – Tom and Jeanne. 

My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 oral cancer several years ago now. The research and quick thinking of my brothers and the talent of her surgeon saved her life. But she does live with some compromises. Her speech is labored and eating solid food is uncomfortable. But she is with us and able to spread her love to her grandchildren and savor the wonders of this crazy world.

My dad suffered a major head injury when he was a child and almost died. In his 50’s, he began experiencing seizures and advanced arthritis. More recently, his mobility has been compromised and his memory is going. He remembers his loved ones and the distant past. He thinks all of the people he loves are alive together now. But in real time, he has trouble following a conversation and gets confused easily. Early evenings are stressful for him.

My parents have managed for several years to stay at home with the help of some caregivers. But recently, my dad fell and it’s no longer feasible. His care team at his skilled nursing facility,  

just moved him into the dementia unit because he’s been wandering around in his wheelchair,  straying too far from the nurses. Part of me loves this – he’s trying to break out! I love a feisty spirit! But his world is becoming smaller and smaller. And that makes me sad.

My mom and I talked today about the challenges involved with managing the care of someone who lives for years in a compromised state. I’ve been urging her to think about the importance of finding balance -- doing what we can to keep my dad safe and comfortable, but making sure to preserve time to live our own lives, too. Here’s an excerpt from our conversation – we’re recalling my father, who we call Popa, his father, who we also called Popa, and our Aunt Peg. All three needed similar levels of care in their 80’s. If you find my mom’s speech hard to follow, please reference the transcript.

Interview Excerpt:

As people with dementia go, he’s very good-natured…

Yeah…

And cooperative…

Yeah…

But he seema very confused and he seems stressed about it. Did you hear him say to you today, I don’t want to put the kids through this. He said something like that.

Oh, I didn’t hear that.

I think he was referring to George and the other people in the Rehab Center.

Uh-Huh.

Like they thought they were his kids, too.

Oh.

So he was kind of like, I don’t want to put the kids through this.

Oh. Uh-Huh.

So I think on some level he does understand.

Yeah.

But then he can’t put the thoughts together to express how he thinks it can be resolved or what he wants to do.

Right, right, right.

And it’s just a little heartbreaking. I feel like…

It is heartbreaking, but there’s nothing we can do about it.

I think you’ve done all you can do, Pearl (nickname). And I think, you know, we thought it was going to be a year and it turned into 5 years.

Now – when we took Popa in our house…

My Popa…

No his Popa…

Right – but my grandfather.

Yeah. Aunt Betty would call and say, “Well what about your life?” I said, “Betty, it’s not going to be that long. And sure enough, six months later, he was gone.”

Wow.

But with Popa, like you said, it’s been five years.

I know… you want to give your loved ones that comfort as they… But – how long did Peg last in the nursing home?

Oh God, ten years.

Well that’s the thing, right? That’s what can happen.

Right, right.

So you…

Medicine, medicine, medicine.

You just feel like you…

She was like Popa. Had a heart like a horse.

She was…

Strong heart. Feisty. Strong.

Well I do wonder if dementia serves the purpose of taking stress away?

But then sometimes people die young of dementia.

Oh really?

So I don’t know.

Right. Well like you said, every case is different.

Every case is different. You can’t generalize.

Conclusion:

My mom is feeling overwhelmed and struggling with a sense of guilt. I’m struggling with a sense of mourning over my parents’ loss of independence and an increasing sense of my own mortality. These are heavy issues that give rise to serious questions.

How do we balance our desire to protect our parents and keep them as healthy as possible for as long as possible? Yet continue to live our own lives and maintain our own emotional well-being?

What are you and your family doing? I’d love to hear from you. Please take a moment to share your thoughts, your experiences.

Until next time… this is Lisa Raffo for As We Age.

Date posted: Feb 27, 2021
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